What? You Don't Want To Be Gay In Newark?

This picture will make sense after you read the story

Woohoo! This is a Gay in a Straight Jacket first - my first drunk post! Ok, I am not drunk because I can support my own head, but I feel goooood. For those of you who live in the New York/New Jersey area, you know of the wonders and joy of Dinosaur BBQ and their Donkey Punch. It is a wondrous mixture of rums and multiple liquors and overall goodness that will get someone f*cked up quickly! It's MMM MMM good! Anyway, The Boy and I traveled to New Jersey to visit some friends. We will call them "M," "B," "SB" and "C" in order to protect their innocence and to ensure they are not embarrassed to know me after this post. 

So being New Yorkers, The Boy and I do not have automobiles, so the subway and mass transit are our friends. We met "M," "B," "SB," and "C" at the Dinosaur BBQ in Newark, NJ (who knew they had one), but at the end of the night had to travel back to NYC. I had a blast and felt happy, free, and felt looooove. Donkey Punch will make one feel lots and lots of looooove! I let my hand reach over towards The Boy's. I didn't receive the love and affection I had imagined. Let's play a little theater. "THE BOY" will of course be The Boy as he always is and, I don't know,  I'll be "THE BLOGGER"

THE BLOGGER: Hold my hand!

THE BOY: Why? We're in Newark!

THE BLOGGER: (I scoffed) What? You don't want to be gay in Newark?

THE BOY: Isn't this the most dangerous city in America?

THE BLOGGER: No, that's Baltimore!

I suddenly didn't feel so safe and thought about HBO's The Wire. 

When I was sober and walking towards the restaurant at the beginning of the night, I had imagined a cracked out 1980s Bronx New York scene, fires burning on the corner type scene. Newark, NJ was nothing of what I imagined. The Boy informed me that I had simply walked in the wrong direction. Now that it was ten o'clock at night, The Boy had suddenly become the one who behaved as if we stepped into a scene from The Wire. 

As we walked to the train station, our ridiculous conversation continued.

THE BLOGGER: I can't believe you won't hold my hand or give me affection, you're always up for that.

THE BOY: Yeah, on the Upper West Side of NYC. 

THE BLOGGER: Come on, let me ball tickle you! 

THE BOY: Stop it!

THE BLOGGER: (I may have pouted) Ok!

My hands reached over anyway. The Boy was not amused. I am usually allowed some lattitude to behave a mess, but when The Boy put his foot down - he slammed it down. I was annoyed. For the almost three years of knowing one another, The Boy was always seeking out some sort of public display of affection - I thought he'd be happy. Apparently, no one wants to be too gay in Newark, New Jersey. Maybe he was afraid that Chris Christie would come out and sit on us in protest! Too much? Don't be so sensitive, I actually like Chris Christie, but that is a BIG FUCKING MAN! Did anyone else watch the Barbara Walters special The Ten Most Fascinating People on Thursday? She asked the "Are you too fat to be President question?"Governor Christie of course said no and that it was a ridiculous question, but yeah...how much you wanna bet he'd pull a Precious and lose some weight before 2016? Has anyone seen Gaboruey Sidibe lately - she looks great! Anyway, I digress. I'll probably regret all of this in the morning, but what are you going to do? You only live once and you've got to post daily!!! I'll blame the Donkey Punch!

We made it back to NYC. By this time, I was listening to my iPod. I've been in a Cher phase lately Tonight, it was "Strong Enough." I came out of the subway and sang a verse or two to The Boy. Still wasn't having it. Turns out he didn't want to be gay in Newark or Harlem.

As someone who soberly isn't into public display's of affection, I will remind him of this in the morning. I don't care if it's a boy, a girl, or a goat's hoof...I don't like holding hands under normal circumstances. My hand sweats. So, my lovey dovey attitude was a one time Donkey Punch fueled moment. 

Tomorrow I will need to redeem myself with a sober post - I swear. It might even be somewhat somber in light of recent events and my father deciding to reach out to me!