Crumb Snatchers

She was so precious at 96th Street, bouncing in her stroller, laughing and giggling as the train rocked back and forth, eating some of her father's potato chips. Her parents seemed happy and content - everything was ideal. I wondered why they were not feeding the baby something more healthy, but who the hell am I to judge. More importantly, it made me want a little one at the moment. I wonder what our child would call The Boy and I. Daddy and Daddy #2 , perhaps? Who would be Daddy #1 and Daddy #2. How did the gays decide these things? Draw straws perhaps? I am sure there is a book out there or something - I'll check later. Maybe Daddy and Papa. Daddy and Papa Bear. That last one sounded slightly sexual to me so maybe not. Maybe it would be Vanilla Daddy and Chocolate Daddy - should be easy enough for her to follow that way. She could get a diversity lesson early that way and be the most diverse child in daycare! Whoa, solitary subway rides gave me lots of time to think! Stop thinking! And yes, I have already determined it would have to be a her, no boys allowed. I've got no time for catch, any other sports that involve being roughed up, or G.I. Joe's. I do rather enjoy tennis though. Of course, when the girl got older I don't know how I'd deal with "Aunt Flow" and pads, tampons, pearls, rags, or whatever the hell are being used these days. Haven't they figured out a way to permanently stop that? I guess not. Eh, I guess I could handle that. It can't be that bad. I suppose I have enough female friends that they could discuss all those details with her. We could call her Lily. No, The Boy is still against that name because Cameron and Mitchell named their daughter Lily on Modern Family, but I swear I liked the name first. By 72nd Street, as the D Train rocked and bounced about, my little precious had suddenly become possessed by the devil. Could I do this? If she shuts up in 3, 2,...nope she's still crying. Can someone open the subway doors and throw it out? Oh, did I just say that in my head? She's whining for daddy's iPod. Why the f*ck is Daddy listening to an iPod when the rest of us have to listen to his little screamer?! Ugh, she's spilling those chips all over the floor. Isn't anyone going to stop her? Don't just say stop - she's a baby she doesn't understand that you tool! Grab her hand! Take the bag! Oh, that's great now she's pawing towards the floor trying to get the chips she spilled - yep that's sanitary. Ugh, goddamn crumb snatcher! All they do is eat, make messes, and shit. And who the hell is going to change diapers if I have a child? Maybe The Boy and I draw straws again. Someone is going to have to clean that up! Yeah, keep grabbing at that iPod cord baby girl! Annoy the hell out of him until the asshole responds. Are we at 42nd Street yet? Ugh, 59th! Why the hell is the D on the local track! Maybe wanting to throw her out of the subway is harsh. Maybe the parents are doing something wrong. I should want to throw them on the tracks instead, but then I'd be left with the baby. I could always shove a finger in it's mouth, right? Why the hell haven't they slapped a pacifier in her mouth? Yes, she'd have to go to - I feel no guilt. Oh, God I love to sleep. I'd want to kill it if it woke me up in my sleep. Maybe I'm not ready for kids. She's still crying. Lady whip out your boob or something, wipe it's ass, burp it - do something for God's sake! Yes, I could be forgiven for wanting to throw the entire nosy lot out of the train. The public would understand. Ugh, 42nd Street - I made it. I'm late. Why the hell was the D train running local! If I had a baby, I'd have to lug that thing and a stroller up the damn stairs. What the hell was that about having a child again?