We Never Discussed Toothbrushes

The Boy travels a lot for work and apparently on this particular trip decided to take my toothbrush with him! While I have shared many things with The Boy, a toothbrush is not one of them and I decided that we would not start last night! I decided that the mouthwash and "finger brushing" trick would have to suffice last night and again this morning. I then proceeded to buy a new toothbrush and toothpaste this morning on my way to work. I had a simple plan. When I made it to work, I'd simply walk into the bathroom, address my currently poor oral hygiene, and return to my desk - unnoticed and with minimal shame. The powers that be had other plans for me it seemed. 

As I walked into my office, the staff was fawning over my receptionist's new wig. Shiny things, shiny things, I too was drawn to the new wig - it had such personality. My toothbrush and toothpaste were left on the counter in the break room. Sufficiently distracted, I now went on with my day and entered my office, had some coffee, put the Ipod on the dock -the work day had begun. "Hey, you left your bag on the counter in the back," I heard someone say. It was my assistant. Such an able assistant, but now she was assisting too much! This situation was to be handled discreetly. No one was to know I didn't brush my teeth! What do I do? What do I say? I am horrible liar. Deny, deny, deny when confronted a mentor once told me! What kind of boss comes to work with un-brushed teeth? She probably looked inside the bag. She would have had to have looked. Maybe I shouldn't say anything. I don't owe her an explanation! It's not against the law to not brush one's teeth. But I am a horrible liar and so I rambled out the truth. There was talk of The Boys trip to California and using mouthwash and stopping at Duane Reade and how I have brushed my teeth every other time I came to work in the past - honest! No one cared. "Ok, well I'll leave it on the counter," she said calmly.  Ok, so that wasn't so bad. Well, I might as well finish my coffee at this point and then brush my teeth - that makes the most sense. 

A coffee sip here, a Madonna tune and chair dance there, some e-mails, phone calls to this person and that person and it was suddenly Noon and time for lunch. My assistant was hungry and so was I, so we grabbed lunch and came back to the office. "Hey, don't forget to brush your teeth," she said concerned Cricket. "Oh, right." She probably thinks I am the type of guy who does not wash his hands after peeing and probably wondering if I put on deodorant every day or every other day. Did I? Remind yourself to do a smell test later!  Oh the embarrassment. The indignity. The assistant was assisting once more, busy little bee, essentially trying to assist me in playing an adult for the day. "I won't, I promise," I said softly - reduced to a five year old. I put my head down and ate my rice in shame. My boss called me after lunch, I responded to some more e-mails,  spoke with some tenants, signed off on end of year bonuses, and my Assistant Superintendent brought me some grapes. It was now close to 6pm. I closed the office door and left for home. iPod securely in hand, I walked across town, jumped on the subway and arrived home. 

I checked my phone once in the apartment - one missed call and a text. Checked the text... "You left your toothbrush and toothpaste on the counter" - and this message was from the Receptionist. The news had spread. EPIC FAIL. Thanks for the help lad, but if it weren't for your new weekly wig I wouldn't be in this boat! It was shiny and extra flippy on the ends, so I cannot be blamed! My failure to brush my teeth had become the incident of the day. I imagined that even staff members who didn't say anything knew about the man child's buttery teeth too! I mustered back the strength to text back a simple thanks. All good managers brush their teeth before coming to work, at least that was always something I imagined they did. It was one of my personal life rules. 

The Boy's toothbrush didn't seem like such a bad option now. We had shared a lot, but toothbrushes were always sacred in my mind, like tighty whities - you don't share them with anyone. He and I have never had the toothbrush discussion. We'd discussed pet peeves, family members, and finances. We discussed the possibility of children, pets, and the sharing of sock drawers - but never toothbrushes. Should I call and ask permission? Do I use it and not tell him? I wonder if he used my kidnapped toothbrush? My assistant saying "Don't forget to brush your teeth" rang through my mind again and the scene from earlier played itself out in a little bubble accept I was dressed in overalls and clearly hadn't brushed my hair. Enough was enough! Could have saved yourself a lot of trouble - jackass. I looked in the mirror and then down at the toothbrush. I decided it was time for The Boy and I to get much closer...