"Life Is Too Short"

I am going to break a self imposed rule of this blog today and then I am going to vow to never do it again, because "life is too short." No truer words have been spoken, especially in light of everything that occurred this past Friday.

I have always enjoyed writing, ever since I was kid, and in my dream world I would somehow make a living writing - something. A book, a blog, Hallmark cards, amazing Madonna fan mail- something. I am kidding about the Madonna fan mail. Fortunately for me I had an "interesting" upbringing and so I always had a need to express various emotions, or to escape in some fantasy world I created. 

If I learned nothing else from my upbringing, it would be that life will inevitably knock you down. People will betray you. Family members can inflict pain upon you and each other worse then an enemy ever could. Lastly, those who claim to love you, while they certainly may in their own minds, can often have a funny way of showing it. But I also learned that things often do get better and that you don't have to be defined by your past. It's a struggle and you sometimes have to fight to do it, but no one has to be defined by their past. I have learned that blood is certainly not always thicker than water and most of all, I have learned to laugh. I learned long ago as a kid to laugh, to laugh at my family, myself, my upbringing, the world in general. Sometimes the laughter is genuine at a comical moment, sometimes to simply keep from crying or to wallow in pain.

So when I decided to start this blog, I thought it would be a good thing because I often feel like I have something to say. It sounds simple enough, but I like to laugh and see people happy. I have always wanted to please people. And so what better title than Gay in a Straight Jacket, Notes on the Everyday Insanity of Life? I have often felt like I was just a step away from being crazed, or because of different things that happened in my life or that I witnessed, I should be insane. I have no other choice then to laugh at those things. Despite it all, I am fairly sane, rational, a responsible adult. Fortunately, the longer I am on this planet the more I realize everyone has just a pinch of crazy within them. I suppose this is all a good thing, I've got plenty of tales from my past and the crazies in my present! And since I have a lot of gay in me, Gay in a Straight Jacket fits! 

So my self imposed blogging rule is to tell stories that make people grin, maybe smile. If I am really doing my job, you will laugh out loud at least once. I know that today I have failed in that mission with this post and I will not allow myself to post entries such as this in this future. I don't like to break rules after all. I am also breaking a self imposed length rule with this post! Forgive me folks!

I had no intention on posting any commentary about the shooting at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. This blog has not indicated it, but I actually can be very serious, quite political, and I can annoyingly get on my soap box about things (I was a Political Science major after all, so the interest is there). I have made a conscious decision not to post about anything too serious that one cant walk away happy or to allow any of my political beliefs to escape other then in a quick quip here or there. So, in keeping with that I am not going to give any personal opinions on gun control or mental health or what the next steps, if any, we should take as a nation. 

Yes, I had no intention of posting anything about Newton, Connecticut on my blog, until I received several phone calls from my father this weekend. We still have not spoken, but I have listened to his  messages. Friday's message was not apologetic or particularly conciliatory, but he did want me to know that he loved me, wanted to ensure I was safe as he was sure I heard about the shooting, and to inform me that he felt "life was too short" to never speak again. With the backdrop of such a heinous act, it is hard for me to disagree with his sentiment and makes our issues over my sexuality seem trivial at best. On Friday, I took the time to inform my father that I loved him, hoped he was well, and then admonished him for giving me lectures on "life being too short." Life, before and after the events in Newtown, has always been too short. I continued by telling him that he would have been most concerned with my being happy, healthy, and successful and to have found love - all things I have if he really believed that. Instead, I said, you're still ashamed and wishing and hoping I'm not gay. I concluded that I didn't need any lectures from him about the principle of "life being too short," when he clearly has had other priorities.

Maybe I should not have taken the time to say that at that moment, maybe it was low of me. Maybe I should have simply thanked my father for the concern, left him with the news that I indeed loved him too and moved on. In subsequent messages, I apparently have hurt him even more with the text message I sent him. I remain amazed at how my father is always the victim. I also am confused as to how this entire situation has been turned around to be about him being "hurt." I was told to be a man and say what I needed to say. So, on Sunday I called his cell and the house, to be a man, and to tell him how I felt - he has not responded. I have to laugh that this man is still lecturing me on being a man. See, the learning to laugh thing comes in handy. 

But I agree that "life is too short." It  is too short to be around people who don't fully support or accept my life. Who are still regretting aspects of my life. I am sure it was not his intention, but I feel as though he was trying to manipulate or guilt me into behaving a certain way because something horrific happened. What was I supposed to say, life is too short and so it's ok that you don't accept me and that you have disrespected my relationship and that you stand in judgment of me? 

My father and I agree with the sentiment that "life is too short," but we may have different ideas of what to do with that belief. For me, it is too short for me to break my self-imposed blog rule of writing posts that make people smile (I hope) because I am still dealing and reliving this drama, that is over a decade old, with my father. Seriously folks, I was drooling about The Rock when I was 13. My father has known I was gay since I was 15. This is old. It's too short to continue to talk with a man, who has left many a messages in the last couple of weeks, said many things, but has failed to simply say I AM SORRY for how I spoke to you before Thanksgiving, how I may have unintentionally treated your partner,  SORRY for opening old wounds. Can we talk? 

So on Tuesday, I will go back to my self-imposed blog rule of writing things that find a way to make people smile or laugh about the crazy things and moments in our lives. Unlike those poor kids and families in Newtown, Connecticut, I still have my life to lead - untouched by such horror. That is a sort of event that someone cannot get past. This thing with my father, is stupid, ultimately his lost, and I can get past. It seems silly  not to surround myself around people and things that make me happy and feel fulfilled. It seems silly and trivial to continue to dwell on fights with people that obviously cannot be resolved. Prior to this weekend and the various messages, I thought that somehow this can be resolved. Because my being gay is still about him and it's still about his hurt, I have learned, I don't see how that happens. It is time to move on. 

Because life is too short, it may be too short to have my father in it.