Forty, Horny, and Pissing Spanxs

Can I pull this off? Should I even want to?

I don't want this blog to give anyone the wrong impression of me. I am normal and only somewhat ridiculous. I have a good job and am part of the 53% of hardworking Americans that pay their income taxes, so Mitt Romney would be proud of me.  I am in a good old fashioned gay relationship. I am not sure how to describe that for the masses, but it sounds right and I enjoy adding the words old fashioned to things and it is true. You know an old fashioned gay when you see one. I also enjoy an Old Fashioned for the record. Anyway, what else...I come home and run the dishwasher at night like a good adult (that is one chore I can somewhat handle). I don't wear hipster clothes or meggings. I have included a link at the bottom of the post if anyone thinks I am making up this trend of men wearing tights. Of course, if Lenny Kravitz does it - I can at least think about it, right? Maybe we can come back to this later.The point is...I am normal, and no more ridiculous than the average person or at least no more ridiculous than the people around me!

Case and point, my friends. They say and do ridiculous things. I have never screamed out "I almost pissed my spanx!" in a fancy smancy restaurant like my friend did the other day. Nope, not I. Now, to be fair and honest, that was in response to something I said and I am not quite sure others heard her say this with the exception of the folks at our table. I cannot say the same for what I said that warranted that response.

We were out with a group friends when one friend announced she was horny, which isn't necessarily a problem when you use your indoor voice. And I must say she did in fact use her indoor voice, which may have caused me to become confused and think she said she was forty. The possibility of this other friend being forty was news to me. She didn't look forty and there was never any news of a big fortieth  birthday bash. I exclaimed "forty" in surprise and sought out an explanation. You see I was already starting off wrong, because I was not using my indoor voice. This was the type of establishment where one must place a napkin in their lap, it's not optional like maybe at Applebee's. And one should remove their elbows from the table unless he or she be judged. I was good on the napkin, but the elbows - eh. Maybe for some of the dinner. Let's not discuss it - I am not proud. Anyway, I was informed by my friend who apparently wears spanx that I had misheard. In a hushed tone, she said "No, no, she said she's horny. She's horny" Now understanding, I then announced "Ooooooooh horny!" with the excitement of a student who finally comprehended a difficult math problem. The restaurant went quiet and the waiter may have chosen that exact moment to check on our table, because that's just how things seem to happen for me. My friend then responded, "Oh God, I almost pissed my spanxs" in laughter. I was playfully chastised for being louder than I needed to be at this sort of establishment and creating a ruckus.

I say all of this to say that I am not the silliest person in my pack of friends or of the people I know. I want to go on record to say that some of my zaniness may purely be in response to what happens around me. It is not my fault. I just happen to be sharing certain stories - just saying.

Guess it's a good thing it's not like this.

Off topic, the discussion of spanx intrigues me. Is that like mummifying oneself? I wonder what it feels like? Mummifying oneself is probably so far away from what it is actually like. It's like how at the same dinner I described the vagina as being like the Holland Tunnel - some never ending deep dark hole that can consume someone, swallow and gobble them up never to be seen again. Ahh - nightmares. Yikes! The women at the table explained that it was not like the Holland Tunnel - that there were major issues for that woman if it were anything like the Holland Tunnel. Glad that was cleared up. There was also discussion of it being like a venus flytrap, but that's just ridiculous so I will move on. Anyway, they make spanx like garments for men, right? I suppose I could get a man girdle and see what that feels like. But is a girdle comparable to spanx? Maybe one day I'll find out. I've always been a curious bumblebee.

In a lesson for the day, my spanx wearing friend always told me that many women should slap on a "foundational garment." Too many women slick themselves up with baby oil or Crisco and slide, shimmy, and slither  into pants, that they are can't fit into, or they may look a little better in the outfit they have on and will be devoid of canyons and craters and other sorts of lumps and bumps. From what I've seen, I must agree.

Can we now go back to meggings? Maybe I should be a little more hip. If the Biebs (did I just say that?) and Lenny Kravitz are rocking them, why can't I? I mean there are articles all about these tights all over the internet! And when I was watching the American Music Awards a few weeks ago and Chris Brown was "performing" in what I thought were thermal underwear, I now know were meggings! Oh boy, I think the entire point of my post, my entire point, may have just been lost.

Here is an article below about meggings. Anderson Cooper also gives his opinion in a video. Gotta love the silver fox!

MEGGINGS