You're Too Old!

I imagine there comes a point for everyone when they admit to themselves they have to hang it up. The dancing shoes and slutty clothes have to be tucked away in the closet never to see the light of day again. Everyone comes to realization that you can only turn back time so much, right? Yes, I am talking to you Cher!  I mean at some point even Cher has to sit down and give the leather get up and fishnets a rest, right? No? Well, I must admit I do love Cher and if she goes on tour in 2013 as is rumored, I'll be the first one in line to cheer her on and hoping she is in her classic "If I Can Turn Back Time" outfit. Ok, so Cher gets a pass, but for the rest of us, at what point are we too old for certain behavior - sexual behavior specifically? 

So, yes, I ask at what point is someone too old to send a Christmas card that says, "All I want for Christmas is your big black cock?" Yes, it  appears that we have our very own Blanche Deveraux at the complex. I mean once you've received your AARP Membership or are past the age to receive Medicare, shouldn't you be banned from saying phrases like big black cock? Isn't that just wrong? Aren't you too old? Actually, is sending cards requesting big black cock at any age appropiate? Not quite sure. But I am certain that if you were a teenager when Eisenhower was President, it's probably time to stop this behavior. 

I am picking on this particular person, but there are a number of senior citizens I have encountered recently who seem like they're in heat. I am going to need to start a midday program where I take them all outside and hose them off in the back parking lot. I mean take Ms...we will call her Ms. Chatterley. Yes, take Ms. Chatterley for instance who is well into her eighties, like marinated in her eighties at this point, who routinely makes advances towards young men  - enticing them with the cash she has stashed in her mattress and sock drawers. We know this because she freely espouses this, or maybe it's the dementia and she thinks she has this loot. At either rate, she seems fairly lucid to me. Now when she gets clunked on the head, knocked over and robbed - I don't want to hear it. And I don't want to hear about a broken hip either! But seriously at what point are you just too old and it's time to can that stuff up and put it on the back shelf. Aren't these supposed to be the years of enjoying puzzles and romance novels in solitude? 

I find nothing appealing about the aging process. Conversely, I am not very comfortable with the idea of death, so I suppose the alternative would be to want to be to live a very long life and become - gasp - old! Beyond not wanting to become an old horny goat, I don't have any time for pills, doctors, hoverounds, or Bengay. I just can't be bothered. So, you know what maybe I take back what I've just said. Maybe folks are too old for certain things, but as the years keep ticking by and you make it in this crazy world for yet another year and you feel like a big black cock - maybe you've earned the right to say it. Now what the unsuspecting receiver of that information does is another thing, but you said it - you expressed yourself. Uh oh, I feel a Madonna sing-a-long coming on! Anyway, maybe I should aspire to have that ladies' set of balls. I mean her hip might break at any moment, but she still wants to be screwed like an old fashioned whore. Who can't admire that? And who wouldn't want a little sex in between applying Bengay. Maybe you're never too old. Maybe we all should want to keep a little Cher like spirit inside of us when we're decrepit and have developed bunyons.