Inauguration Day

Oh, Inauguration Day - I love this stuff! I do, I am a big dork when it comes to this stuff, no matter who is elected into office. Although, this time around I missed Aretha Franklin and her big hat! Anyway, in honor of Inauguration Day, I thought I'd post a little gem below.

Now I have decided that I am not going to get on a long winded rant about why this sort of "Freudian Slip" occurred to this anchor while talking about the President of the United States who just happens to be a man of color. I mean, of course, it is understandable that she would call it the "Nigger Inaugural." I also was under the assumption that a "Freudian Slip" was indicative of something that was already in someones thoughts and it, well... slips out - so I don't know how calling this some kind of Freudian slip makes it better. 

At either rate, I suppose the more things change the more the stay the same. This would be a good time to use a line that my receptionist says when people do things that might make you want to respond in a negative and ungodly like way or otherwise challenges the better angels of one's nature. "Ooh the blood of Jesus, the devil is a lie!" Yes, indeed, the Devil is a lie, but I will refrain from making a larger statement on race relations in this country or what seems to bedevil certain segments of the population regarding this man. I will not get sucked in. Regardless, the Inauguration was great. 

Watch the "Nigger Inaugural" here.  At least she was cheerful while discussing it. 

You're Too Old!

I imagine there comes a point for everyone when they admit to themselves they have to hang it up. The dancing shoes and slutty clothes have to be tucked away in the closet never to see the light of day again. Everyone comes to realization that you can only turn back time so much, right? Yes, I am talking to you Cher!  I mean at some point even Cher has to sit down and give the leather get up and fishnets a rest, right? No? Well, I must admit I do love Cher and if she goes on tour in 2013 as is rumored, I'll be the first one in line to cheer her on and hoping she is in her classic "If I Can Turn Back Time" outfit. Ok, so Cher gets a pass, but for the rest of us, at what point are we too old for certain behavior - sexual behavior specifically? 

So, yes, I ask at what point is someone too old to send a Christmas card that says, "All I want for Christmas is your big black cock?" Yes, it  appears that we have our very own Blanche Deveraux at the complex. I mean once you've received your AARP Membership or are past the age to receive Medicare, shouldn't you be banned from saying phrases like big black cock? Isn't that just wrong? Aren't you too old? Actually, is sending cards requesting big black cock at any age appropiate? Not quite sure. But I am certain that if you were a teenager when Eisenhower was President, it's probably time to stop this behavior. 

I am picking on this particular person, but there are a number of senior citizens I have encountered recently who seem like they're in heat. I am going to need to start a midday program where I take them all outside and hose them off in the back parking lot. I mean take Ms...we will call her Ms. Chatterley. Yes, take Ms. Chatterley for instance who is well into her eighties, like marinated in her eighties at this point, who routinely makes advances towards young men  - enticing them with the cash she has stashed in her mattress and sock drawers. We know this because she freely espouses this, or maybe it's the dementia and she thinks she has this loot. At either rate, she seems fairly lucid to me. Now when she gets clunked on the head, knocked over and robbed - I don't want to hear it. And I don't want to hear about a broken hip either! But seriously at what point are you just too old and it's time to can that stuff up and put it on the back shelf. Aren't these supposed to be the years of enjoying puzzles and romance novels in solitude? 

I find nothing appealing about the aging process. Conversely, I am not very comfortable with the idea of death, so I suppose the alternative would be to want to be to live a very long life and become - gasp - old! Beyond not wanting to become an old horny goat, I don't have any time for pills, doctors, hoverounds, or Bengay. I just can't be bothered. So, you know what maybe I take back what I've just said. Maybe folks are too old for certain things, but as the years keep ticking by and you make it in this crazy world for yet another year and you feel like a big black cock - maybe you've earned the right to say it. Now what the unsuspecting receiver of that information does is another thing, but you said it - you expressed yourself. Uh oh, I feel a Madonna sing-a-long coming on! Anyway, maybe I should aspire to have that ladies' set of balls. I mean her hip might break at any moment, but she still wants to be screwed like an old fashioned whore. Who can't admire that? And who wouldn't want a little sex in between applying Bengay. Maybe you're never too old. Maybe we all should want to keep a little Cher like spirit inside of us when we're decrepit and have developed bunyons. 

I Never Thought I'd Meet Monica Lewinsky

Ok, I really did not meet Monica Lewinsky, but once again I did find myself at a bar that has a shot named in her honor. I decided to forgo consuming this particular shot this time around, as it comes with a brunette wig, you have to pick the shot up with your mouth, and there is a simulated shot of another kind that the bartender sprays on you as you throw the sucker back. In actuality it's just water I am told. You have to love New York City and the things that folks come up with, and the things that people will do with their hard earned money. I would like a shot named in my honor by the way, but I don't want to have to go through the work and humiliation of blowing the President of the United States - just saying. 

Anyway, I also learned this weekend that I am getting old. I was in the house before midnight. I have to prep myself for nights out on the town as one would for a colonoscopy. I need time and I have to be in the right frame of mind. It's not something that comes naturally to me anymore. As I write this, I realize that as a gay man talking about being prepared for a colonoscopy might be a bad example, but you get the gist. I could easily have been at home watching Suzy Orman on a Saturday night, with no shame. GIRLFRIEND YOU CANNOT AFFORD IT!!! Yep, I'd sit comfortably on my couch wrapped in a blanket, but not a Snuggie because the day I buy a Snuggie is the day I can be taken outback and put down like an old horse. To the glue factory! A friend of mine and I have a pact that the day we feel compelled to purchase a Snuggie is the day we can be taken out - by someone, anyone. Someone have mercy on our poor pathetic souls! Anyway, the point is, I realize that I am getting old when it's not even Midnight and I'd rather have a cup of Cocoa then a Monica Lewinsky shot. Maybe it was the prospect of the mess...who knows. Anyway, had fun with some friends.

On another note, does anyone else ever wonder what she's doing? Is she married? Does she have kids? Is she dating? Where does she work? How would an employer take her seriously? Where does she live? Has anyone offered her a reality show? I imagine that having given the President of the United States a blow job, or as I have also heard lately - "an oral transaction" - has to make her somewhat appealing to some guys, at least they know she does that. I mean it must be awkward to date as Ms. Lewinsky. People obviously know nothing about her and yet we feel like we know every intimate detail about her because of her, um, activities.  During the get to know you process of dating, are the cigar and dress just not discussed? I am so curious! And see, this is how I know I am getting old. It was a Saturday night and instead of getting drunk of my face, taking off my shirt and humping a fire hydrant - or something outrageous - I am worried about the love life of Monica Lewinsky. Oh well, what are you going to do? Maybe next Saturday I'll spend my evening writing a fan letter of sorts to the lady. Does she get fan mail? Uh, so many questions!

My Nemesis

There is a woman that I loathe and I have decided that she will officially be my nemesis for 2013. I've never had a nemesis before, but I have decided that it's time I officially had one and besides I really like the word. I instantly get the urge to place my pinky on my lip and do my best Dr. Evil impression.

But let me be serious for a second. When someone goes to greet someone for the first time,  extends their hand and smiles, only to receive a "No, no we don't need to do that," - it does not make for a good first impression. I guess I didn't back away fast enough because then I received a flailing hand, as if to say back away peasant!  I didn't know people were allowed to respond like that in real life and real time. I would have just assumed that the common coutresy police would descend from the heavens and slap someone down for acting like an ass wipe. I guess not.

My susbsequent interactions with my nemesis have not improved. She yells. She smacks her lips obnoxiously. She has a bad case of the ghetto girl goose neck - especially when she thinks she has landed a verbal blow or made a good point. Quite simply - she is awful. I was hoping to contribute our initial interactions as a symptom of her inability to get her hands on some Midol, caffeine, or to get laid - something. But as the days have gone by - there is nothing - she's just a bitch. And who walks around sucking Life Savers all day! Like lady, really! I can barely make out the bitchiness while you're screaming and lisping at once. It's just too much. 

But I do, I loathe her and I have resigned myself to getting her back one of these days.  I'll get you next time gadget!  Sorry, couldn't resist. Anyway, so far I have only come up with punching her in the face, but since I am no Ike Turner - that won't work. Maybe I could choke her with that purple tinted fur that she's wearing. No, I suppose that won't work either as it's technically still violent and I don't condone violence - at least this year. So far, taking the high road has not worked with this woman so I will need to try something else for or next encounter. Something where I don't get dragged in the gutter with her, but I can get the last word!

Movie Theater Etiquette

I don't go to the movies very often. Between my inability to sit still for two hours or more and the rise of bed bugs - just not my thing. Yes, I have developed a slightly unrealistic fear of bed bugs, but that is a discussion for another post. But this weekend, I ventured to the theatre and quickly realized that the masses needed a reminder of movie theater etiquette. I am not sure if there are any books or pamphlets out there on this subject, but here are five simple steps that all considerate beings should remember to make the viewing experience of everyone in the theater better.

1) Turn off your cell phone. That little reminder that comes on the screen before the movie begins imploring everyone to turn off their phone is not a suggestion or some child's wish. We all know the turn of your phone rule, but yet this still proves to be problematic for some. Turn off your damn phone!

2) In the event that you did not follow Step One and your phone happens to ring during the most interesting part of the movie please quickly, and without commentary, turn off your phone at this most unfortunate time. Saying "oh shit" won't endear yourself to the rest of us who are currently being disturbed.

3) In the event that you disturbed a large section of the theater, as discussed in Step Two, and you rush to turn off your phone - please make sure it is actually turned off. Don't just hit the little button thingy on the side! No, no - turn it off! You could be forgiven for the phone ringing and annoying everyone the first time. But if another phone rings and the same person is the culprit, you cannot be upset if some theater goers decide to start an angry mob with pitchforks and torches and deal with you permanently.

4) If you go shopping prior to the movie - good for you! Our economy apparently needs support - I am all about it. Place your bags on the ground, quietly, and leave them there until the end of the movie. Don't ruffle your Neiman Marcus and Macy's bags! They don't need to be checked on - they're okay. Get your pesky paws off your items and review your purchases when you get! I shouldn't sound like you're wrapping presents in the back.

5) Last but certainly not least, this is the movie theater not THE THEATRE! And since this isn't Broadway, there is no need for applause or standing ovations for good performances. No one is going to emerge from the screen to take a bow. Colin Firth can't hear or see you. Don't yell at the screen either. Laughter is acceptable, beyond that - shut up. 

There are others like arriving late and then being picky about where you sit. Pacing the aisle or going into the most difficult spot within a row, like the middle! Sit down and make it quick! But we will not discuss those things today. I feel better now.

I'll Have The Rock's Thighs One Day

Ok, so I won't really have the Rock's thighs today or any day for that matter, or his arms, or his chest...you get the point. Have you seen him lately? His thighs alone are like two caramel coated Sequoia trees. I digress. I am off topic and going down a different path. Let me refocus. The point is that while I may not have the Rock's thighs one day, maybe I'll be more fit. Yes, it's that time again -  New Year's Resolutions!

I can't say that I have too many resolutions, but the being more fit and gaining a little weight thing persists for me year after year. It's like the never ending soap opera plot with me. If it's a New Year, I have a new plan to get fit and every year I fall off the fitness wagon and into a bag of salty potato chips. So, with the New Year upon us I have decided to dust the salt off my body and lips, crawl out the bag of chips, and onto an Ab Rocket - or something. 

Now fortunately for me I don't really have a need for weight loss or as my niece would say to me, "are you sure you're eating up there New York?" She was maybe eleven at the time of that conversation by the way. Yes, fortunately, I don't have a problem of losing weight, but as I  said I would like to gain a few pounds of muscle. I have also developed a little bit of what I like to call "Skinny Boy Pudge" that needs to be addressed. Essentially, that means I otherwise have the physique of a stick figure with a stomach that has become a little too soft and protrudes, the by product of morning cups of coffee with too much cream, sugar, and the oh so necessary baked good on the side. Oh, and midday and evening snacks have not hurt the cause! 

So Happy New Year to all! While I won't have the Rock's physique anytime soon, or ever, I can still have goals and dream, right? And if I can't have the Rock's thighs - I suppose it still won't hurt to put down the doughnuts and do a crunch, right?

Happy New Year everyone! Check back with me next week when I have most likely fallen off the health wagon and devoured Honey Bun.