Three Simple Rules for Naming a Child

Today I encountered someone by the name of RaRa (please insert heavy pain filled sigh here). My meeting with RaRa should not have occurred, in the same way that George W. Bush's presidency and Hammer pants should not have occurred. There should be no one on God's green Earth named RaRa. Parenting privileges and duties should be revoked for that injustice thrust upon that child! But, alas, I met someone with the name of RaRa, which made me think that people should be forced to think of names for their children while keeping three rules in mind. If this is done, the world should be devoid of new RaRa's from this point forward.

1) My Child MAY NOT Grow Up To Be A Celebrity - We all know that celebrities can get away with all sorts of nonsense that us mere mortals simply cannot get away with outside of Californialand and CelebrityWorld, such as running around in pink leotards when we're over fifty (I'm talking to you Madonna!), and of course naming our children ridiculous names like Apple, Coco, and Blu Ivy. But when you're the daughter of Jay-Z and Beyoncé - Blu Ivy may very well turn out to be ok for you when you're older. When you're the son or daughter of Joe and Bitsy Mason from Lycoming County, Pennsylvania - naming your son or daughter something a little more sensible may be in order. Parents must accept that their son or daughter may grow up to be the security guard at the local DMV. Does it make sense for that person to be named Sage Moonblood? I think not. So, parents, lets take time to accept that your son may not grow up to play a stripper in a Hollywood blockbuster like Magic Mike. So, no Channing Tatum's, and lets accept that your child is more likely to be a worker at the local Piggly Wiggly then to be stripping on screen for the women of America - and that's ok! Just name him accordingly - something like John Smith - restock in Aisle Ten! The old lady bumped into the V8 Splash with her walker again. It sounds sensible over the public address system.

A friend of mine should appreciate this!

2) Your Child MAY Aspire to be President of the United States - This is the great ole United States, where men AND women can do anything...including becoming the President. So, with that in mind, no one should be named Piper, Ocean, Rocco, Rock, Beam or Solange Knowles (I am picking on the Knowles-Carter clan today). I'd prefer not to see a Solanagé on the ballot. We've had a lot of George's, William's, and John's - not many Barack's. To that end, think about #44 on the Presidential List. Barack can get a pass since he can't help those Kenyan roots, but imagine the grief he would have been spared if his mother would have gazed deep within a crystal ball, saw the future, and named him Ronald.

3)  Because NO PARENT Dreams of a Porn Star or Stripper for a Daughter -  For the sexist segment of the blog, I am going to single out the ladies! Porn has it's place in the world and you can still name your daughter a nice, simple sweet name like Jenna only for her become a Jenna Jamison, so be a good person in life because karma is a bitch. But since this post is not about karma, I am convinced that  excessive "I" and "E" use in names adds to the propensity of ass clapping and pole sliding for females later in life Although the ass aerobics of stripping that takes a certain talent that one cannot deny. I mean can you clap your ass like a certified stripper? Anyway, Aimee's, Laci's, and Traci's  - absolutely terrible. Didn't these parents learn about the magical letter "Y."  Trixie - terrible.  Leelee - kill me.  Excessive "I" and "E" use is setting them up for careers as dollar bill collectors - with g-strings serving as their wallets and purses (this really conflicts with Rule # 2).  And back to Leelee, it really is a terrible name and only works because Leelee's parents beat the odds in regards to Rule # 1. Of course, rules were meant to be broken and this does not apply to all names with excessive "I's" and "E's." But as everyone knows a hoe when they see one - everyone knows a porn star/stripper name when they see it on a roster. Think about that. Think about it.

And back to inspiration for this post, I am sure RaRa is a lovely woman.